Every four years, millions of Americans swear they are moving to Canada if the person they don’t support for president wins the election. I always find this funny, especially when conservatives say it (and believe me, many did with Barack Hussein Obama winning twice) mainly because Canada has government run health care, legal gay marriage, and only spends – gasp! – 1% of their GDP on the military. Canada embodies everything most conservatives hate – it is a veritable liberal hell-scape! However, unlike hell, Canada is cold as f$%^.
But this year, with either a demagogic, con-artist, blow-hard (Trump), an uncompromising hard-line conservative who is hated by his Senate colleagues (Cruz), or an unlikable career politician who never met a scandal she didn’t like (Hillary) as our next president,** it is time for all of us to take a hard look at what country we will emigrate to.
As a service to my fellow Americans I have broken down where you should move depending on who you support and who wins.
If you are a CRUZ supporter and HILLARY Wins, you should move to ISRAEL
Obama – the authoritarian tyrant, mom-jean-wearing wimp, Kenyan by birth, America-hating Muslim with a crazy Christian preacher – is obviously the anti-Christ, and Hillary is his spawn. This is clearly the end times and you will need to get yourself to the Holy Land and await the apocalypse.
Of course, living in Israel will be quite precarious since Obama and Clinton hand delivered the Ayatollah a nuclear bomb, established ISIS through the use of a private email server and destabilized the region by invading Iraq in 2003. Obama/Clinton may not protect you, but God will.
Besides, Israel has a lot of nice things that will make you feel at home. Ever had a shawarma? It is sorta like a hamburger. And nothing, besides Canadian-born Eduardo Rafeal Cruz, is as American and patriotic as a hamburger.
If you are a CRUZ supporter and TRUMP wins, you should move to NORTHERN MEXICO
I realize that you just threw up in your mouth a little, but hear me out. Northern Mexico actually has a few enclaves of Mennonite and Mormon communities who went south of the border to avoid religious persecution in the past, and you know if Trump wins he is going to be super vindictive and turn on you. All great dictators have no tolerance for religion. Mosques will obviously be shut down, but more mysteriously your local church will burn in a fire, and the clergy will be jailed on suspicion of arson. Eventually, all crosses will be turned into golden T’s for Trump and you will be worshipping an orange man-god.
Besides, after Trump puts 35-45% tariffs on all goods made in Mexico, the economy is going to collapse in America anyway. It will be better to return to a simpler time along the Rio Grande, farming the land, reading the good book and avoiding the sin of the world.
Plus, I hear there will be some good jobs in construction in the area.
If you are a TRUMP supporter and CRUZ wins you should move to RUSSIA
Everybody knows that Lyin’ Ted is a lightweight of Cuban ancestry from Canada who can’t even be president, but if he somehow won you’d be forced to leave the country on principle. You know who’d never let a Cuban-Canadian take over? Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, that is who. Putin would annex the best parts of Canada and shoot any journalist or dissident who opposed him. That is what America needs, a real leader like Putin/Trump.
Since you can’t have Trump, it is time to go to Russia. The people are white – that is a bonus for you! They don’t have Mexicans flooding across the border, that is for sure. Putin doesn’t allow that. They have a YUGE military and Moscow has more billionaires than any city on Earth. Trump would feel at home there with the other oligarchs so he may join you there and you can continue to worship him.
You will find Moscow to be quite hospitable to disaffected Americans. Edward Snowden seems to be loving it. Pro Tip: don’t complain about anything. Or buy any Pussy Riot CDs.
If you are a TRUMP supporter and CLINTON wins you should move to NORTH KOREA
As we all know, the first thing Clinton will do is open the border to all Mexicans, refugees and ISIS, so you will want to be somewhere that doesn’t mess around on defense and immigration. North Korea has a wall – a big wall. You don’t see anyone from South Korea jumping over it to come work illegally do you? That is what I thought.
Trump and Kim Jong-Un are a lot alike, actually. They inherited lots of money and power from their dads, they don’t take too kindly to people suggesting they have small wieners, and they have haircuts that no one else on Earth can pull off.
But most importantly, both really understand the economy. You don’t see Japan importing a bunch of cars or China sending iPhones to the DPRK. North Korea doesn’t let anyone kill them on trade.
Go to North Korea. It will be the economic paradise you have always wanted with the 2nd best man-child leader in the world. If you can’t have Trump, you can at least have his mini-me.
If you are a CLINTON supporter and CRUZ wins you should move to PATAGONIA
On paper, Canada looks like a nice option for you. Then you realize that first they gave you Nickelback, then Justin Bieber. And now Ted Cruz. Canada is not your friend. They are sending people south of the border to destroy America.
You will need to go as far away as possible in the other direction, all the way to Patagonia. In this sparsely populated and remote region, an area that attracted many Nazis fleeing prosecution after WWII, you can escape from the world and start anew. It won’t be easy – you won’t get any welfare or free college or food stamps. In fact, they still have dial up internet so if you are tempted to check the news to see what is happening to your country the whining, grating, irritating, truly awful noise of the old dial up connection will be a deterrant if the whining, grating, irritating, truly awful sensation of Cruz’s face isn’t enough.
Southern Argentina is clearly the place for you. Besides, a large number of you already speak Spanish.
If you are a CLINTON supporter and TRUMP wins you should move to KANSAS
Think about it. Living overseas would be totally embarrassing. Imagine having to explain why your country voted for the guy who campaigned supporting war crimes, who called Mexican immigrants rapists, wants to ban Muslims from entering the country, who wants to build a yuuuuuge wall, and has the worst haircut on Earth. You’d be exhausted talking about it and eventually would just stay in your home waiting for 2020, only to find out that Trump declared himself president for life and put a big ass gold TRUMP atop the White House.
Kansas is where you will want to be, securely in the middle of the country. Besides, after Trump deports all the illegal immigrants there will be jobs aplenty on the ranches and farms of Kansas. You can disconnect from the world and work the land, find comfort in hard labor. It might even feel like a hippie colony! You might even be able to grow some pot in a distant field!
Granted, once a year two youths from your district will be chosen to fight in a battle royale in the capital, but other than that, you can carve out a life in this dystopia.
If OBAMA declares Marshal Law, stays in power another year and we have a do-over on the election, you should move to Iowa or New Hampshire
And vote. We will need to get it right next time.
Fellow Americans: Where are you moving after the election?
Non-Americans: You think we are crazy, right?
Canadians: Are you building a wall to keep us from flooding in?
Mexicans: Lo Siento por Trump. El es un pendejo.
**With apologies to those feeling the Bern, I just don’t see it happening.