Where Americans Should Move Once Trump, Cruz or Clinton win the Presidency

not canada

Every four years, millions of Americans swear they are moving to Canada if the person they don’t support for president wins the election. I always find this funny, especially when conservatives say it (and believe me, many did with Barack Hussein Obama winning twice) mainly because Canada has government run health care, legal gay marriage, and only spends – gasp! – 1% of their GDP on the military. Canada embodies everything most conservatives hate – it is a veritable liberal hell-scape! However, unlike hell, Canada is cold as f$%^.

But this year, with either a demagogic, con-artist, blow-hard (Trump), an uncompromising hard-line conservative who is hated by his Senate colleagues (Cruz), or an unlikable career politician who never met a scandal she didn’t like (Hillary) as our next president,** it is time for all of us to take a hard look at what country we will emigrate to.

As a service to my fellow Americans I have broken down where you should move depending on who you support and who wins.

If you are a CRUZ supporter and HILLARY Wins, you should move to ISRAEL

israel-flagObama – the authoritarian tyrant, mom-jean-wearing wimp, Kenyan by birth, America-hating Muslim with a crazy Christian preacher – is obviously the anti-Christ, and Hillary is his spawn. This is clearly the end times and you will need to get yourself to the Holy Land and await the apocalypse.

Of course, living in Israel will be quite precarious since Obama and Clinton hand delivered the Ayatollah a nuclear bomb, established ISIS through the use of a private email server and destabilized the region by invading Iraq in 2003. Obama/Clinton may not protect you, but God will.

Besides, Israel has a lot of nice things that will make you feel at home. Ever had a shawarma? It is sorta like a hamburger. And nothing, besides Canadian-born Ted Cruz, is as American and patriotic as a hamburger.

Hillary Clinton the antichrist

Cruz supporters: She will be coming for you!

If you are a CRUZ supporter and TRUMP wins, you should move to NORTHERN MEXICO

Mexico flagI realize that you just threw up in your mouth a little, but hear me out. Northern Mexico actually has a few enclaves of Mennonite and Mormon communities who went south of the border to avoid religious persecution in the past, and you know if Trump wins he is going to be super vindictive and turn on you. All great dictators have no tolerance for religion. Mosques will obviously be shut down, but more mysteriously your local church will burn in a fire, and the clergy will be jailed on suspicion of arson. Eventually, all crosses will be turned into golden T’s for Trump and you will be worshipping an orange man-god.

Besides, after Trump puts 35-45% tariffs on all goods made in Mexico, the economy is going to collapse in America anyway. It will be better to return to a simpler time along the Rio Grande, farming the land, reading the good book and avoiding the sin of the world.

Plus, I hear there will be some good jobs in construction in the area.

Donald Trump orange

If you are a TRUMP supporter and CRUZ wins you should move to RUSSIA

Russia flag

Everybody knows that Lyin’ Ted is a lightweight of Cuban ancestry from Canada who can’t even be president, but if he somehow won you’d be forced to leave the country on principle. You know who’d never let a Cuban-Canadian take over? Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, that is who. Putin would annex the best parts of Canada and shoot any journalist or dissident who opposed him. That is what America needs, a real leader like Putin/Trump.

Since you can’t have Trump, it is time to go to Russia. The people are white – that is a bonus for you! They don’t have Mexicans flooding across the border, that is for sure. Putin doesn’t allow that. They have a YUGE military and Moscow has more billionaires than any city on Earth. Trump would feel at home there with the other oligarchs so he may join you there and you can continue to worship him.

You will find Moscow to be quite hospitable to disaffected Americans. Edward Snowden seems to be loving it. Pro Tip: don’t complain about anything. Or buy any Pussy Riot CDs.

Vlad Putin Smug

I welcome you Trump supporters to my country.

If you are a TRUMP supporter and CLINTON wins you should move to NORTH KOREA

DPRK flag

As we all know, the first thing Clinton will do is open the border to all Mexicans, refugees and ISIS, so you will want to be somewhere that doesn’t mess around on defense and immigration. North Korea has a wall – a big wall. You don’t see anyone from South Korea jumping over it to come work illegally do you? That is what I thought.

Trump and Kim Jong-Un are a lot alike, actually. They inherited lots of money and power from their dads, they don’t take too kindly to people suggesting they have small wieners, and they have haircuts that no one else on Earth can pull off.

But most importantly, both really understand the economy. You don’t see Japan importing a bunch of cars or China sending iPhones to the DPRK. North Korea doesn’t let anyone kill them on trade.

Go to North Korea. It will be the economic paradise you have always wanted with the 2nd best man-child leader in the world. If you can’t have Trump, you can at least have his mini-me.

kim-jong-un hair

“My hair is sexy like The Donald’s.”

If you are a CLINTON supporter and CRUZ wins you should move to PATAGONIA

Argentina flagOn paper, Canada looks like a nice option for you. Then you realize that first they gave you Nickelback, then Justin Bieber. And now Ted Cruz. Canada is not your friend. They are sending people south of the border to destroy America.

You will need to go as far away as possible in the other direction, all the way to Patagonia. In this sparsely populated and remote region, an area that attracted many Nazis fleeing prosecution after WWII, you can escape from the world and start anew. It won’t be easy – you won’t get any welfare or free college or food stamps. In fact, they still have dial up internet so if you are tempted to check the news to see what is happening to your country the whining, grating, irritating, truly awful noise of the old dial up connection will be a deterrant if the whining, grating, irritating, truly awful sensation of Cruz’s face isn’t enough.

Southern Argentina is clearly the place for you. Besides, a large number of you already speak Spanish, although you will have to adjust to the horrible Argentine accent.

u-s-senator-ted-cruz-r-tx

Hey Canada. What did we ever do to you, eh?

If you are a CLINTON supporter and TRUMP wins you should move to KANSAS

Kansas flagThink about it. Living overseas would be totally embarrassing. Imagine having to explain why your country voted for the guy who campaigned supporting war crimes, who called Mexican immigrants rapists, wants to ban Muslims from entering the country and who wants to build a yuuuuuge wall. You’d be exhausted talking about it and eventually would just stay in your home waiting for 2020, only to find out that Trump declared himself president for life and put a big ass gold TRUMP atop the White House.

Kansas is where you will want to be, securely in the middle of the country. Besides, after Trump deports all the illegal immigrants there will be jobs aplenty on the ranches and farms of Kansas. You can disconnect from the world and work the land, find comfort in hard labor. It might even feel like a hippie colony! You might even be able to grow some pot in a distant field!

Granted, once a year two youths from your district will be chosen to fight in a battle royale in the capital, but other than that, you can carve out a life in this dystopia.

Trump's America Hunger Games

Your new normal in a Trumptopia.

If OBAMA declares Marshal Law, stays in power another year and we have a do-over on the election, you should move to Iowa or New Hampshire

And vote. We will need to get it right next time.

Obama

“You are going to miss me.”


Fellow Americans: Where are you moving after the election?

Non-Americans: You think we are crazy, right?

Canadians: Are you building a wall to keep us from flooding in?

Mexicans: Lo Siento por Trump. El es un pendejo.


**With apologies to those feeling the Bern, I just don’t see it happening.

71 Comments on “Where Americans Should Move Once Trump, Cruz or Clinton win the Presidency

    • Not a bad choice. If you did, you could grab a beer in the pub and make fun of the whole thing with cheeky Brits.

  1. We already have a wall – it’s called strict immigration laws. It’s funny how all these ‘Merikuns who threaten to move to Canada think they can just decide to move and the door will be opened. It’s really really hard to immigrate to Canada. Unless of course they can Trump up a case for refugee status. And even then it’s not so easy.
    Happy voting 🙂
    Alison

    • We might be able to Trump up an refugee case, as you say. I think many people say it as a joke but this year people are really looking into it hard. Maybe we should start an online dating service for Canadian singles to marry Americans trying to escape. This could make us a lot of money.

  2. Bahaha, best political write up I’ve read all campaign season. Seems like I most closely fit into the move to Northern Mexico category but man, republicans are not making me look good. I do love churros, I wish I could live in the hot dessert all the time, and I look great in a sombrero. Mexico it is!

    • I mean, it won’t be too bad at all. Danny can work building the wall, you can open up a churroria near your house to make a little extra income and your boy will become bilingual. I imagine that you rock a sombrero. Mexico!

  3. lmao! This is awesome! Apparently if you search “move to canada’ is the second most searched term on Google right now and some parts in Canada have been relaxing tariffs and adding incentives for the horde of disaffected Americans they are expecting come election time 🙂

  4. Hilarious Jeff. We northern neighbors do shake our heads a fair amount these days. As Alison and Don point out its not so easy to move here but in light of what could happen to the south a refugee claim may stand. Best of luck in the months ahead.

    • I am just imagining the forests of BC and the plains of Manitoba being overrun with Americans, all with Bernie 2016 stickers on their luggage, trying to sneak into the country. As I said to Alison, if this happens, we need to try and cash in. We can smuggle people in and sell fake Canadian documents. We can make a fortune.

      • Oh you are hilarious. Tell them to pack some good winter clothes if they are headed for Manitoba. 🙂

  5. Whoa, leave New Hampshire out of this!!! I can tell, you’ve really given this some thought but until I vacate this state, we get enough Massholes moving up here we don’t need to invite anyone else!! This is the best political blog post I’ve ever read, thanks Jeff. But, seriously, leave New Hampshire out of it, Thank you very much. 🙂

  6. Hahaha, loved this Jeff! As several said, best political writeup I’ve read. It’s all just a joke now, there are simply not any good candidates… well, the least worst is obviously not going to win. We are at a point where criminals are allowed to run for president and the vote of the people doesn’t matter, it only matters how many in power you can convince, buy or threaten. It’s simply not possible to have a “good” president anymore because to get there you have to be pretty terrible.

    • You make a good point. The media and other party rip apart you life looking for anything and everything. It is hard to find upstanding citizens to actually run. I respect Bernie for giving it a go because he seems like a man of ideas and character. Some of the more respectable ones on the GOP side never had a chance. Now we are left with voting for the least worst. Fun times.

      • I respect Bernie too, and he’s not giving up yet or at all… It would take a miracle though, and a welcome one. Why do the other options have to suck so much.

      • The GOP field was so deep on paper and no one really tried to beat Hillary. It has been a strange election. I think they will be analyzing this for years, and studying this in Political Science classes for centuries.

  7. We really are in a pickle, aren’t we?! And it is just so embarrassing – one good thing about traveling is getting to dispel the notion that all of us are like these nutballs.

    • Yes, very true Lex. We can at least be ambassadors. I am afraid that if Trump wins it will be too embarrassing to go abroad. I plan to stay in the USA the whole of his term!

  8. One of your best! Thanks.
    I love all the conservatives who say they are going to move to Europe because our government is becoming too socialist. Because, you know, European countries don’t have things like universal health care, reasonable work weeks, better paid leave for employees, etc. etc.

    • Yes, so true. The plains states and the south are setting back the clock with voter ID laws, anti-abortion laws, extreme budget and education cuts and anti-gay legislation, so really living in Kansas or Louisiana or Georgia isn’t too bad for a conservative these days. But yes when they talk about moving to Canada or the UK I have to laugh.

  9. I would like to know who is paying Trump for this reality show he putting on? The Clintons, CBS, NBC, Netflix maybe YouTube Red.
    They are all a joke and totally out of touch but unfortunately one of them is going to be the next President 😦

    • You know, at first it seemed quite plausible that Trump was just doing this as a joke, or as some conspiracy theories went, to mess up the GOP to pave the way for Clinton. But now, this has gone too far! It is really scary to think of Trump or Cruz in the Oval office, and just a bit sad to think of another Clinton in there.

      • Yet again your state may just decide this thing. I could see Clinton winning in a landslide, but if Trump can pick off a few Rust Belt states with his message trade, we might have a giant golden TRUMP over the White House. 😦

      • No No and No that would be a tragic event if Trump makes the Oval Office, he may even try to turn it into a casino, that will go bankrupt sounds familiar does it not.

      • HAHAHAHA. I never thought it is turning into a bankrupt casino. In effect, his proposals (what little he has proposed) are so radical it would be like a big risky bet.

  10. Very funny and well done. I find the US election process quite fascinating – no end of drama especially when this year’s candidates seem less than inspiring. I don’t think we’ll be building that wall any time soon. Nobody ever seems to follow through on their threats.

    • This year could be different though. You may find your lonely plains filled with American refugees depending on who wins.

  11. Well, I opened your blog to read about Timbuktu or Sudan, and I get THIS erudite (and hilarious) piece of political yahoo. How do you come up with this stuff is my question for the day? You should be writing for the Washington Post, dude.

    • I think this was my way to vent my frustration with the whole thing. Although I don’t have a real problem with Hillary, she isn’t exciting and she is plenty divisive. I disagree with Cruz on almost every issue. And Trump is just a disaster waiting to happen. I guess I needed to let it out. Stay tuned for your usual fluffy post of photos from Mexico. 🙂

      • I try not to get involved in politics, or the nonsense. One person is usually just as bad on some level as the next. Once in the White House, they all seem to end up being the same person. Soooo….can’t wait for the fluff on Baja Florida.

  12. This is good. Maybe Mr. Hair should build a wall across the northern border with Canada to prevent us Americans from leaving! You have to admit that American politics provide endless entertainment for the world. I’m not so sure that it really matters who wins.

    • You know, if Cruz or Clinton wins, it won’t be great for the country, but not horrible. We can survive that. Trump is truly incompetent though. That guy would be a disaster.

      Like Berlin, Trump may have to build two walls to keep us from leaving!

  13. A brilliant and very funny piece of writing! OMG – North Korea was my favourite!

    …and yes, as a non-American I’m shaking my head in disbelief. I think this might be the first sign of the Apocalypse.

    • Thank you Joanne. I had fun thinking these up. North Korea makes since for disaffected Trump supporters.

      Hopefully our next president won’t be as bad as we suspect and you all non-Americans won’t make too much fun of us.

      • Yeah – you Americans aren’t looking very good right now 😉
        Hope it’s not too late for sanity to prevail.

      • Agreed. I guess our best hope is for Hillary to beat Trump. Most people I know want anything other than Trump right now.

  14. Hilarious post Jeff! You’ve got me thinking maybe I shouldn’t come home from Patagonia!

  15. Jeff, this is ridiculously funny. I love your satire, not to mention the pictures of Clinton as Medusa and Trump as the first orange president. I think the world is alarmed by what Trump is doing right now. Even communist China is using his campaign as a warning against the “dangers of Western democracy”! He has turned the presidential race into one crazy reality show.

    • One could make the argument that democracy is overrated right now! Although I may not like certain candidates most years, Trump is the first one who is truly scary and dangerous. Hopefully he will not only tone down his rhetoric but also get destroyed in the election!

  16. I’m literally laughing out loud as I make my way through this very well thought out piece! I’m sad not to see Bernie mentioned, but the rest is spot on and hilarious. Well done.

    • Thanks Jessica – I am glad you enjoyed. I am thinking that if Bernie wins Clinton supporters will be okay to stay, and Cruz and Trump supporters need to stay put as well. After Bernie invests heavily in education, it may do them some good, or at least their kids will have a chance 🙂

  17. Truly brilliant, Jeff! Since I’ve already lived in Sudan, looks like it’s Kansas for me. But since I spent 5 hours in an Indonesian train station being quizzed by local high school students about the Clinton-Lewinsky affair, I’m not looking forward to having to explain another Clinton in the White House to foreign kids. Thanks for the best guffaw of the day! 🙂 ~Terri

    • I can see you and James making a life in Kansas. Imagine 5 hours on an Indonesian train explaining why our president always talks about the size of his, er, hands.

  18. Jeff, you Americans are bonkers 😛 but I am sure you feel the same way about us Europeans during elections haha.

    To be honest, if Bernie or Hillary wins I will most likely wipe my ass with my US visa and return it to the US government. …and if Trump wins we’re all dying in WW3 anyway. I read all election programs (I really did! Democrats and Republicans) and I am shocked. So many idiots in both rows. No, democratic socialism doesn’t work and I wish people wouldn’t blindly support Bernie’s free-everything-attitude. I’m German, I know what it means to live in such a system. Have the people forgotten why Europeans once fled to America? Sure looks like it. I’d trade my “safe” German life anytime with a Democrat.

    Loved this post, very funny. I will forward it to hubby 🙂

    PS: Argentinia sounds pretty ok…

    • Thanks for adding your German perspective. I imagine that most European leaders would be okay with a Clinton presidency since they know what they will get, more or less, but are terrified by Trump.

      Bernie means well but his ideas have been proven to be a burden in the long run.

      See you in Argentina!

  19. No I don’t think you are crazy considering I come pretty close to contemplating migration myself, but YOU are incorrigibly funny 😀 Like someone said, this isn’t an election, it is an IQ test for Americans! Brilliant stuff Jeff. Good luck;)

    • You are right! This is an IQ test. Luckily, so far Mr. Trump has 1/3 of the Republican vote and Republicans make up about 1/3 of the people. So, he has about 1/9 of the Americans supporting him now, and I seriously doubt he can win. But if he does, you may see me in Chennai hiding out for a few years.

  20. trump looks like a boxer because of the way he speaks in his rallies lol if i could be in his rally ill be dead laughing and Argentina’s sounds pretty awesome good one jeff.

  21. What a great read, Jeff 🙂

    I am so glad that I found this post now, I missed quite a few during my hibernation 🙂

    Hat’s off to your efforts in coming up with this brilliant one…

    Though, I am from the opposite side of the globe and no refugee threats here, I am closely following the whole campaign 🙂

    Following all the comments here, I could learn quite a lot about people’s perspectives about the front runners, their hopes and hopelessness :).

    What a wonderful community we have, Jeff !!! How sportingly all have taken part in this really sensitive topic and shared their views…

    Thanks a again for this wonderful post and have a beautiful day ahead 🙂

      • Majority of people think that, there will be a women president for US 🙂

        Even some of my relative who lives in US share the same opinion, let’s wait and watch, right 🙂

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